Today was one of those days that made me open up my eyes and realize that life can be a real bitch sometimes. Not that this was some secret to me prior to me today. I have met with (and become intimately acquainted) some of life’s ugliest moments face to face. Today wasn’t the worst day, far from it. But it was tough to, say the least.
It started with a conversation I’ve had plenty of times before. One that is just really hard for me to wrap my head around. You see, I’ve always pictured myself with a family one day. A family which includes kids. But children are no longer on the agenda.
Sometimes in life, you meet someone who completely rocks your world. You never see them coming, then they hit you like a freight train when your back was turned. And you know that for the rest of your life, you’re going to ride this ride, until the day you die. That’s the only way I can describe my relationship. I never saw it coming but I’m so glad that I quite literally, fell into it. Fell in love with another human being so completely and fully.
The truth is, I’m not a very affectionate or loving person. At times, I’ve found it hard to find love. Whether that be giving, or receiving it. I’ve not always been a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, niece, etc. Love was something that was really a foreign concept to me. It’s not that I didn’t feel love or try to give it as best as I could. But I didn’t know how to do any of those things. It took a lot of therapy for me to be able to “human” in society. To feel human emotions, to cope with life’s curveballs, to express how I felt. All of those things. They are constantly things I’m working on, and some of which still don’t come naturally to me. Weird, right?
My relationship has been something of a whirlwind. It hit me when I least expected it. When I was learning how to “human”. But as the saying goes, “We plan, and God laughs”. It’s had a ton of ups and downs, which I’m sure all relationships do. But when everything happened, I thought, I finally found the person I want to spend my life with. And that hasn’t changed.
You think you see a certain future with someone, such as children. Then you find out, that’s just not in the cards for you anymore. Not because you can’t, or he can’t, but just because they aren’t. It’s such a tough thing to go through. I feel like I’m grieving a loss of something that never happened. I can only assume this is similar to how mothers who have miscarriages feel. The depths of their grief go so deep. It’s hard to understand something that you had, and now it will never materialize. I know it’s not the same because I only had an idea that will never happen, but it’s got to be similar, right?
I’ve been trying to put all my thoughts together throughout the day. Lots of tears have been shed for the babies I’ll never know. The ones I’ve thought about since I was in my teens. For the future that won’t ever happen for me. No movement in my tummy. Or the joy of loving another person more than humanly possible, that has come from your own body. That you made. I won’t ever see the first steps, first words, the first loves of someone I created. I will not ever smell all the baby smells, or be able to cuddle someone that came from my own flesh. The inability to hug a little person when they get their feelings hurt, or kiss a scraped knee. It’s incredibly difficult to terms with it. At least for now. I know I will one day. But that day isn’t today. Or tomorrow.
Although it doesn’t make it any easier, life happens exactly the way it’s supposed to. As I said earlier, “We plan, and God laughs”.
And I’m going to have a shitload of dogs. 😉